Things change.

Mini-vans
late at night, happiness and sorrow in people’s eyes, desperate cats searching
for food in leftover bags on the street. I’m starting to discover there is
another life out there. Not the life you read about, not your fantasies, not the
experience of other travels. Yes, even traveler’s notes on the internet were
deceiving, this trip is something else entirely. It’s more similar to the
journey of the protagonist in Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness”. An
exception to the rule of books. If you haven’t read it I can really recommend
it. It’s about getting in contact with your primal self.

Yesterday
was a turning point for me. I went out in the jungle, crossed a river over a
narrow bridge and came to a place relatively isolated from the city. Darkness
was already present, I found a dry place in the outskirts of the jungle. I had
my sleeping bag and I lay down on the ground on a thin plastic. I started to
listen to the noises. Things were dropping down from the palm trees, all kinds
of insects and undefined tree-parts which I didn’t see.

And it was
like I went back in time thousands of years.

Unknown
feelings came up as I listened to the voices of the forest. Insects, birds,
remote sounds from the city. Thoughts arose on dangerous spiders and green
snakes hiding in the trees. It was a complete nightmare. Being all by myself,
feeling the various tricks play on my psyche.

Then all
hell broke loose: Distant lightning, thunder in the distant. Winds came about,
roaring in the trees and raindrops started falling. I thought I had to get back
to the city but it was too late. Suddenly I found myself in a tropical storm!
Lightning struck close to me, rain was pouring down like madness. I became
soaked wet before I finally came to the city and took shelter in a restaurant.
The storm got worse and I had a beer. The winds were rattling in the doors of
the restaurant, everybody closed down for the night. I had nowhere to sleep and
I thought about calling for help. But I was silent. I felt as if I had accomplished
my mission. A moment of deep satisfaction and enlightenment. The girls in the
restaurant had horror in their eyes. Just the locals. People were getting
worried about the storm.

Then the
rain just stopped.

The night
was spent in an expensive guest house, I had no choice because thunders were
heard again. I spent 30 dollars, lay down in a comfortable bed and started to
reflect on my journey: It’s like hundreds of lives have passed me by.
Realization by realization in an accelerated process, towards greater depths
and understanding. I’m going back to nature. Not just away from the
civilization, the cities and the people, but into a primal state.

I’m
starting to discover that this journey is about more than happiness, it’s about
being true to myself. It’s more about suffering, about going on the path of
survival and reproduction. The way of millions of years of evolution. With that
kind of feelings you start to think in different ways. Something is kicking in,
beyond your concepts of life and yourself in general.

Nothing
unnecessary are done by nature.

You want to
have kids and a good family. You want to explore, meet people and do something
for others in return. It’s the complete opposite to the world I knew. The
complete opposite to the world in civilized countries. Not conformity but a way
to revolt against the trivial. It’s a dark love, a true love that arises when
you are in tune to your hidden emotions.

You think
it is evil but in time you realize it’s rather the opposite.

But things
get stranger. I’m meeting Christians. People of all kinds telling me the same
message: That Christianity is not about slavery or going to the church. It’s
not about giving up yourself, rather about pride and self-confidence. It’s
about embracing life, feeling joy and loving others.

Drinking
beer and having parties.

I’m not
surprised though. I’m coming from a christian background. I know about good
people. The question to ask though is the fundamentals: Why do you need
“God” to do all that?

As soon as
you get religious your depth is fading away.

But it’s
about moral understanding. These Christians, as well as the Buddhists I’ve seen
are not unintelligent. They are very aware of many things, especially the
wrongs of modern society. The have gone beyond the level of the average man,
have developed their intellect to another level. But in the end it’s a trap.
Their happiness is just a facade, a smiling face but no fullness.

It’s like
mass-psychosis.

I’m not
trying to convince you but that’s what I’ve seen.

The locals
here are so different. Talked with a teenager boy last night. He was very
simple. Couldn’t grasp my concepts fully. It had a little to do with bad
english but also a good deal to do with himself.

But what is
the truth? This boy was happier than Christians. He was just going on about
ordinary life. He smiled and asked me questions. Even led me to an open guest
house for no money at all. Just a happy kid. You start to think about it. Luang
Prabang is like a forgotten paradise. It’s not only beautiful, it’s relaxed and
primal. Also ugly. I’ve seen it. The further away you get from the modern world
the closer you get to something raw and natural. And the more you go back in
time the more you find societies more in tune with their dark past. It’s all
about stupidity. The system of life is a complexity the human brain cannot
solve. All “progress” is a dead-end and the illusion of progress is
keeping it all in place.

But it all
has to die in the end.

On the
other hand I have a ray of hope. Not for the modern world but for certain individuals.
People that have gone into things so deeply that everything have started to
fade away. Getting in contact with their sexual drive, their “evil”,
their lost ambitions, their hate and anger. They get desperate at first,
alienated from their old self, their friends and the comforts of the modern
world. It’s a path of suffering ending in liberation when the world fades away.
When everything is seen as a conspiracy in the end.

And all
“values” are inverted.

It’s all about themselves.